Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Amber's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, April 16th, 2009
1:24 am	.... I haven't been taking my meds or smoking pot recently. Suddenly I cannot find my anxiety meds. I know I had well over 20 in the bottle. They were on my counter last week. Hrmmm I either misplaced them or someone took them. Either way I am long overdue for a refill. I needed them today. I was stressing harder than I should at work today. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
1:53 am	Update I feel like a productive member of society lately. I am working again. I am also doing the school thing. I am really enjoying both. I am doing well at my job, which gives me some sense of self esteem. I have also been dating lately. It has been nice. I still wish to find someone that I fall head over heels for. I haven't had that for a long time now. I am reading this book called Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. I feel that I have no reason to feel bad for myself for any given reason. I want to buy this book and read it anytime I get to feeling down. I would suggest this read to anyone that is feeling down. ZAC *nudge nudge* :) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 1st, 2009
5:07 am	ENFJ Idealist Portrait of the Teacher (ENFJ) Even more than the other Idealists, Teachers have a natural talent for leading students or trainees toward learning, or as Idealists like to think of it, they are capable of calling forth each learner's potentials. Teachers (around two percent of the population) are able - effortlessly, it seems, and almost endlessly-to dream up fascinating learning activities for their students to engage in. In some Teachers, this ability to fire the imagination can amount to a kind of genius which other types find hard to emulate. But perhaps their greatest strength lies in their belief in their students. Teachers look for the best in their students, and communicate clearly that each one has untold potential, and this confidence can inspire their students to grow and develop more than they ever thought possible. In whatever field they choose, Teachers consider people their highest priority, and they instinctively communicate personal concern and a willingness to become involved. Warmly outgoing, and perhaps the most expressive of all the types, Teachers are remarkably good with language, especially when communicating in speech, face to face. And they do not hesitate to speak out and let their feelings be known. Bubbling with enthusiasm, Teachers will voice their passions with dramatic flourish, and can, with practice, become charismatic public speakers. This verbal ability gives Teachers a good deal of influence in groups, and they are often asked to take a leadership role. Teachers like things settled and organized, and will schedule their work hours and social engagements well ahead of time-and they are absolutely trustworthy in honoring these commitments. Valuing as they do interpersonal cooperation and harmonious relations, Teachers are extraordinarily tolerant of others, are easy to get along with, and are usually popular wherever they are. Teachers are highly sensitive to others, which is to say their intuition tends to be well developed. Certainly their insight into themselves and others is unparalleled. Without a doubt, they know what is going on inside themselves, and they can read other people with uncanny accuracy. Teachers also identify with others quite easily, and will actually find themselves picking up the characteristics, emotions, and beliefs of those around them. Because they slip almost unconsciously into other people's skin in this way, Teachers feel closely connected with those around them, and thus show a sincere interest in the joys and problems of their employees, colleagues, students, clients, and loved ones. Mikhail Gorbachev, Oprah Winfrey, Pope John Paul II, Ralph Nader, John Wooden, and Margaret Mead are examples of Teacher Idealists. A full description of the Teacher and the Idealists is in People Patterns or Please Understand Me (Comment on this)
Monday, February 9th, 2009
12:16 am	Landmark All I have to say about it is it was TOTALLY worth the money. I have not felt so free and open to what life has in store. It is something that I wish that I could give to everyone I care about. It was truly a profound experience http://www.landmarkeducation.com/landmark_education_home.jsp (Comment on this)
Friday, January 9th, 2009
8:54 pm	Update I have been considering doing landmark form training. My friend recently went and had a lot of success. She has been encouraging me to go. She has also offered to pay for some of it. I still am not working and the training is expensive. I would totally be willing to do it if I can come up with the money. She told me that she feels so strongly about me doing it that she would be willing to pay for all of it but I couldn't let her do that. I feel bad about even having her help me pay for it at all so I think that I will try and find a way to come up with 400.00 on my own if possible. I have been revisiting a relationship with my step sisters over the past six months or so. It has been amazing to become friends after not seeing each other for over fifteen years. I hang out with them a lot. We will play board games and drink, go to the gym, go out and eat, and other sisterly things. It has been great. One of my step-sisters Val is moving to Columbia on Monday. I am really sad to see her leave but I am really thankful that she and I are in each others lives now. There was a lot of unresolved hate and hurt from our past. It has been so good to let that go. I am so thankful for it. THANK YOU NEEKOLE! None of that would have happened if it weren't for her. I am taking classes full time this semester. I am doing it this online while I look for a new job. I hope that it is as easy as it was at Park. I also changed my major to Psychology. I am taking some classes that I think that will help me in life. I am taking a Forgiveness & Anger Reduction, Positive Psych and Well Being, Quality Intimate Relationships and an English class. I am excited about this semester. I hope that I do well. I am trying to date more. It has been going well. I went on three dates this week. Nothing too exciting. There is one girl that I like but I don't know how to read her. I think that I will back off and see how things go. I haven't stopped drinking again, but I am MUCH more in control of it. It feels good to not get trashed and make an ass of myself. I hope that I can continue on this path, if I don't end up quitting again. I have also decided to try and post only positive things in here from now on. I think that it will help me keep that positive mindset. :) I am really trying hard to keep a positive outlook on life and keep my head down and out of trouble. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 31st, 2008
7:04 am	I resolve... ....to have healthy and productive relationships in 2009. <3 (Comment on this)
Monday, September 8th, 2008
10:41 pm	Over two months sober Aug 30th was two months, still doing good. Things are going better these days. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, August 29th, 2008
5:56 pm	.... I am feeling better than I was earlier this week. I went into work today. I went to class yesterday as well. That feels huge to me after barely getting out of bed for days. I hope that this weekend is fun. I am starting to feel lonely already. My neighbor invited me to go to a party tonight. There will be a bunch of younger kids there. I'd really like to hang out with one of my girls instead. They all seem to be busy this evening though. My neighbor is really cool so I should have a good time anyway. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 28th, 2008
12:45 pm	x's and friends So I guess my most recent ex is now hitting up one of my best friends. I told her to go for it. I guess this has been going on since Yenn's birthday. hrmph. Funny Adam knows that she was one of my best friends. I wonder why he didn't mention anything about it to me. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 27th, 2008
9:48 pm	Depression grips again I have been feeling really depressed recently. I slept nearly all weekend. Even though all I wanted to do was stay in bed on Monday I managed to make it into work and school. Tues and today I missed work. I didn't go to class yesterday but went today. I have been spending time with friends whenever I get the chance. It seems to help. Today I spent most of the day crying. I wanted to die. It just seemed like it would be easier somehow. I went to see my therapist today. She is going to help me with some things that are overwhelming me. She is also going to write a letter for my boss to explain what is going on with me. Money, or the lack there of is really stressing me. Trying to stay sober when most people are treating me like shit is really stressing me. Trying to find some normalcy in my life is hard right now. The desire to have a close relationship with someone, and failing over and over again is hurtful. I miss having close friends. I find it hard to confide in a lot of people these days. Feeling lonely, worthless, and hopeless right now. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 14th, 2008
5:31 pm	When is it going to go away? I have been dealing with PTSD for a while now. It has effected my job, my social life, my love life, my sleeping patterns, and my ability to live a normal life. I have seen therapists, taken mass amounts of pills, and stopped drinking. So the question is “When is this going to go away?” Sometimes people think that I am lying. They think that I didn’t see anything, or nothing bad happened while I was gone. I would have to say that is untrue. I don’t need to prove or disprove what happened. Sometimes people think that I am too sensitive. (I tend to cry when I get too frustrated.) I have dealt with a lot in my life and I think that I am pretty damn resilient. Most of you don’t even know the half of it. I hate having this stigma. I feel like many people that were my friends have literally turned their backs on me since I have come home. Even now long after the fact I am still dealing with the backlash of that. People are saying things that are totally outrageous. I have felt at some point that I have gone crazy and didn’t realize it, but everyone around me sees it. I still feel like me …. although I don’t at the same time. I have always thought of myself as a good person. I try to be there for people when they need me. I try to make most things less of a burden for those around me. I try to be positive and giving. Sometimes though I have outbursts. When that happens everyone else dismisses all the nice things that I have done and label me a bitch. No one ever thinks what they do or say may effect me, or trigger an unwanted response. Here is part of an email that my most recent X sent me : “Amber the thing is, when you're nice, you're one of the most loyal, friendly, selfless people around. When you're not nice you're dangerous, hurtful and unpredictable. Being around you kind of feels like Russian roulette to me, 5/6 times you're a great person to be around but that sixth of a time you're not it's too much to handle, and there's no way of knowing when a bullet is in the chamber or not.” What can I say to that? How can I fix it? I don’t want to be a push over. I don’t want to be a bitch either. I am frustrated and confused. I am just hoping that this will end soon. End Rant/ Amber (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 30th, 2008
5:39 pm	Gearing up for school So I start school in a few weeks and I am really excited. I am taking three classes and working full time. I was going to work full time, and go to school full time but I think that I will see how I do this semester and then take it from there. I am taking 'Rise of Civilizations', a painting class, and a voice/speech class. I am thankful for the Vocational Rehab program that I am going through. They lined up the interview for the job that I have now. They are also paying for all my school costs, fees, books, everything. They are also buying me a lap top, AND paying me to go to school. An extra 300.00 bucks a month to be exact. Still sober, still doing good. :D (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 27th, 2008
9:51 pm	Day 34? I think that it is day 34 of not drinking. I am doing good and having fun. I also talked to my step sisters for the first time in about sixteen years. It was actually kind of cool. I don't know how that would have panned out if I'd been drinking.  I have been hanging out with Neekole more recently which makes me happy. She has always been an awesome friend. I have been trying vegan food and it is suprizingly good. I think that I will try and eat veggie/vegan food more often. I think that I may start going out to bars and clubs again but sober. I miss the social aspect of it. Life has been good to me recently. I have had minimal drama, and lots of fun. I have two crushes but I doubt anything will come from either. It's kind of disappointing to know up front, but fun to like someone at the same time. That's about all folks. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 18th, 2008
8:06 pm	Three weeks .... AND STILL NOT DRINKING (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008
7:51 pm	So It's been about a week of me not drinking. Not a huge accomplishment but a start. I am actually surprised to how many people are being supportive of me through this. I have only been to that one meeting. I think that I will go to them as I feel the need. I also am looking into some anger management classes that I think will help. I am not sure if it is just an anger issue or if it's just a drinking problem or both. I tend to be a push over when I am sober and bottle up things that bother me. When I drink I let shit fly. I am going to try and approach this from a few different angles and see how it works out for me. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 30th, 2008
5:17 pm	Why hello...  Let's see. I left off in the depths of a down mood. I went and stayed at my mom's house on Friday night. As soon as I got there she offered me a drink. I was insistant on saying no. I told her what had been going on and told her that I wanted to stop drinking. I wasn't able to sleep at all after I decided what I did. I posted it everywhere that I had made the decision that I made.  I was bored and went to Utahraves.com to see what was coming up. Low and behold there was a 20 page post that had been going on about me for over three months about what a shitty person I am, and how everyone has tried to "HELP" me but with no avail. Heather especially has repeated this over and over. We are not friends. She has never tried to do anything but cause drama in who ever's life she can. The only reason I was ever nice to her was to get her to take some pics down that Keith had put up. BUT ...... Things are going better. I went to my first AA meeting on Saturday with a friend that has been going for about a month. I then went to the ER at the VA and talked to a social worker that specializes in PTSD.  I told her everything, excessive drinking, violence, my fear of being in crowds when it was never an issue before, black outs, not being able to sleep unless I drink some nights. Loosing friends left and right for one reason or another. Breaking up with my boyfriend. Excessive anger. Freaking out for no reason.   I thought that it would help me get into some kind of treatment program. Her response? "You are completely normal. You may feel like the only freak on the planet but your not." She just asked that I upped my sessions with my therapist and continued taking my meds. _______________________________________________ GOOD NEWS:  I finally started my new job and I love it. Everyone is so nice. I think that I am really going to like it. I am the Regional Director of the Department of Veteran's Affairs secretary. It starts out at 16.00 an hour. No nights, or weekends. NO HOLIDAYS SUCKAS!!! I also get some really good benefits ion top of my VA benefits from being a disabled vet.   I also am gettin all my stuff done to go to school part time in the evenings come fall. All my classes and any associated fees are covered through this program for disabled vets. I see it as a blessing to get some of the people that I had in my life out. They were enablers as was I. Now I am focusing on what I want for the long term and taking the steps to get there.  (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 27th, 2008
7:23 pm	Drinking I have decided that I need to get some kind of help. Whenever I have something bothering me I usually drink. I think that it will help get my mind off stuff but it ALWAYS makes it worse. I know that you all think I'm crazy, and I am. I think the alcohol makes it much worse.   I am sorry if I have done anything to any of you that has left a bad taste in your mouth. I know that I have a problem. I am going to work on it. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 24th, 2008
12:51 pm	Update  So I went into hermit mode for a while. Here is what is new with me. I moved.     I found a really cute one bedroom a half a block away from Liberty park. I have a cute little garden in the front of my place. I have great neighbors. I am already receiving baked goods. It turns out that my next door neighbor also went to one of the Jr. Highs I attended. He had me over for dinner the other night. I've been there for about a week. I also have a little grassy area in the front where I have been practicing my hooping. I am dating Adam.     I never would have thought that he'd be as nice as he is. I think being around him grounds me and helps put things into prospective. I don't stress as near as much and I laugh a lot which is a nice change. He actually takes me on dates which I wouldn't have expected. He even offered to pay for me to go on a trip to Vegas for Jim and Candice's wedding.   Adam went to Vegas for a wedding, and I decided to stay home. I am kind of missing him. I think that it is more due to me being here without my girls. To top it off I lost my phone after the Cure concert. I am cut off from the outside world for a while. I should have taken him up on the offer to go to Vegas. I spent the night with him before I he left. I am looking for a job. Yep still looking. As stressful as not having a job has been I am still enjoying life. I also went to the Cure. My friend Candis bought me a ticket for my birthday last year, and then they rescheduled the concert. We had fifth row tickets but ended up in the first row! Candis and I had dinner with Melisa and Aly before the show and I got to hang out with Melisa for a bit during the show.   Thats all that is new with me for the time being.  (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 12th, 2008
3:08 pm	Flogging Molly If I ever leave this world alive I'll come back down and sit beside your feet tonight Wherever I am you'll always be More than just a memory If I ever leave this world alive If I ever leave this world alive I'll take on all the sadness That I left behind If I ever leave this world alive The madness that you feel will soon subside So in a word don't shed a tear I'll be here when it all gets weird If I ever leave this world alive So when in doubt just call my name Just before you go insane If I ever leave this world Hey I may never leave this world But if I ever leave this world alive She says I'm okay; I'm alright, Though you have gone from my life You said that it would, Now everything should be all right She says I'm okay; I'm alright, Though you have gone from my life You said that it would, Now everything should be all right Yeah should be alright (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 8th, 2008
4:27 pm	Wanderlust I am leaving this harbour Giving urban a farewell Its habitants seem to keen on God I cannot stomach their rights and wrongs I have lost my origin And I don't want to find it again Whether sailing into nature's laws And be held by ocean's paws Wanderlust! relentlessly craving Wanderlust! peel off the layers Until we get to the core Did I imagine it would be like this? Was it something like this I wished for? Or will I want more? Lust for comfort Suffocates the soul Relentless restlessness Liberates me (sets me free) I feel at home Whenever the unknown surrounds me I receive its embrace Aboard my floating house Wanderlust! relentlessly craving Wanderlust! peel off the layers Until we get to the core Did I imagine it would be like this? Was it something like this I wished for? Or will I want more? Wanderlust! from island to island Wanderlust! united in movement Wonderful! I'm joined with you Wanderlust! Can you spot a pattern? (relentlessly restless)   (Comment on this)